There are a lot of things in my family line that have been passed down to me. Brown eyes. Curly hair. Short. But there are also things that have been passed down that people can’t see. My brain is a little funky. What I mean is that I have depression and anxiety. This is not to say that my genes are 100% to blame for my mental health. Far from it. But it is one of the uncontrollable factors in my life that I have come to accept. I don’t think that is a particularly brave thing to tell you about myself. Actually, I think I prefer that people know so they can better understand how I experience the world. 

Over the past couple of years my mental health has caused a fair amount of problems. I had to talk to my doctor about adding some medication in my daily routine so that I can function a little better. To be completely honest, I was scared. I didn’t want to talk to my doctor about my mental health. Yeah. I have a degree and social work and gender studies. Yeah. I am a mental health advocate. I know I know. But I was scared. And I was still scared when I was just starting my journey with them.

What I learned, almost immediately, was that this was going to be a journey. My doctor prescribed me my first antidepressant and I was feeling a lot of emotions. But I took it. And then the next day I had a medication reaction. Oops. Had to go back to the doctor and explain what was going on. I thought at that moment I was screwed. It was my first day on an antidepressant and I had already messed up. The doctor said that it was totally normal and that she could run a simple test to figure out what else I could have a reaction to. Oh. Maybe I didn’t screw up! Woohoo!

She started me on something different. And wow. What a difference it made. I didn’t notice at first but my family and friends did. They would point out that I really am doing better. So I thought about it, and I was. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have depression and anxiety. But now I have a few more better days than bad days. I’m not saying this is a perfect system. I’m looking for a therapist because the meds don’t fix everything. There are also some side effects that I could live without (I just want to be like 10% less sweaty for one). But it has made a difference. I even went back to her and said, things could be better and we tested for a few seconds. I had to learn to be okay with that. It’s okay to take more than one medication. Some brains just need a little more help than others. My only complaint about it is that I take them at two different times in the day and that just means I have to remember twice a day to take my medication instead of once.

There’s also things to do that help my meds work better. Easy and manageable things really make things better. Cuddling my cats. Walking with a friend or my dog. Sometimes just sitting with a book is enough. But there are days when even those things are too big of a task. But those days are just as important. Sometimes taking care of myself is just laying in bed and making sure I eat something. 

I’ve been learning to better feel my feelings. Yeah, you read that right. Feel my feelings. As if I wasn’t feeling them before. What I mean is that when I feel happy, I take a step back and let myself feel truly happy. When I’m sad, I let myself feel sad. I don’t try to stop the sadness. I don’t get mad at myself for being sad either. I let myself feel it. Sometimes it will last five minutes, sometimes it will last all day. But regardless, I let myself feel it because that’s what feelings are for. I don’t ignore them or try to make them not happen. I feel my feelings.

I have to constantly remind myself that working on my mental health is a process with a lot of trial and error. Some medications will and won’t work. Some days I’ll be really great and some days I’ll be really bad. The process isn’t linear. But learning to accept that it is a process and that there is going to continuously be trial and error has made things easier and more bearable. 

So remember if you can’t make your own serotonin, store bought is fine.